Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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