Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
