the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
