if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
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Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
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I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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