I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
