they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
