so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
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