I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
