Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just high enough for therapy.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
