my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
