i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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