I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
