woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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