don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
