I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
