I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
