i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
