Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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