I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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