yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
