I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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