That's intense
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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