i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
