The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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