With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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