She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
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If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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