Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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