Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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