Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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