her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
