I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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