I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
