seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
