How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
