My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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