i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
