he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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