Porn is love you can see.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
