Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
