so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
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He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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