The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
