she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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