My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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