i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Blood and glitter go together right?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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