I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Houston, we have a squirter
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
