She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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