I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
