paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
