Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I did not marry a roomba.
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