hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
