just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
