70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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