I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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