I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
