I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She bit a glass in half.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
