I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
