Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
