So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
