BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
