literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
