dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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